In Buddhist terms, it might be said that my struggle in this blog could be seen as "suffering." I like Pema Chodron's answer to Bill Moyer's on "What is suffering?" Pain, she said, is the "unavoidable." Suffering is our all-too-common reaction to pain. To use another Buddhist illustration, our reaction is like that of trying to put out a fire by pouring kerosene on it. I think it might be important, however, before walking too far down this oh-so-tempting Buddhist pathway, to consider if I can/should try to drag Christianity along with me. It seems fairly clear that Buddhism can deliver on what it promises - a "release" from suffering. Is there any point, then to trying to keep Christianity if ending the suffering is my primary goal? I do not know the answer to this question. Probably even the question is a "wrong-minded" one, I would suppose.
This weekend, I went with may partner and family to the traditional Holy Week and Easter liturgies. I cannot, however, help but feel that, how ever hard I tried, I could not bring back the old excitement of the "spiritual" experience that I had previously found it to be. I do not mean say that it was a bad experience, just that it was a less intense one. Was it "good" for me to have attended? I am not sure. Certainly, it sent me back to this blog today. It heightened, I suspect, my sense of feeling "disjointed." I feel, somehow, like I have been given a jigsaw puzzle to assemble, but I don't know what the picture is supposed to look like, making it rather hard to even consider how to put it together. There is the further lingering doubt that it can even be put together. I also might not be too pleased with the picture once the assembly is complete.
What to do?
More confused than ever
Mesa, Arizona
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